I know you love me and that you tried your hardest to be there. Growing up
I was your little girl for the most part. I was a daddy's girl back then. The least I can remember is that you even fetched me from school, carry me on your shoulder, even joined your jeepney trips. You did what most dads do, you protected me, loved me. Though you had that title, you left much to be desired, At some point I hated you. But slowly as I got older and grew up, the hate turned into sadness.
It's amazing how memories fade at different paces. Its been a year when I got a glimpse of you in person after 16 years. It was more than half of my life. But I still remember your face clearly. It's the face that built my dreams and broke my heart.
You weren't there for my first kiss. You weren't there for my first heartbreak. You didn't know what my favorite subject is or any of my friend's name. You weren't there on my birthdays. You were distant. There was so much space between your world and mine and because of that, you forgot how much I needed you. A space somewhere inside of me that you were suppose to fill.
Sending money every month doesn't make you a dad, it makes you a good person. That was your responsibility, raising us because you brought us to this world.
If you just knew how much a hero you are to me before you left, before you made me feel abandoned. If you just knew how much I waited for your call, I waited for you to come back, I always wanted to tell you to just stay beside me. But you still left. You left before I can remember. You didn't come back. Your weekly phone calls became monthly, until you don't even call us at all. I got crazy, that was the worst heartbreak a daughter can have. I tried to reach you in any way I can. They'd tell us you're not home, until we found out that you're already on another woman's home and we cant even talk to you. It crushed me even more.
I still love you of course.
I have reached a point when I tried to collect memories of you and it all comes to me in flashes and images, short and lacking detail.
I wonder if when you wake up, you think of me. How I'm doing, the person I am becoming. I wonder if you miss me, if you wish you could go back in the time the same way that I want to and change things.
I tried not to group every man on this earth in the same category as my dad. I wanted to give them a real chance to prove that not everyone is like you. But the shadow follows me everyday. They say that your dad is the living proof that not all man are the same, and I was lost. The man who I thought was my hero is the first one to break my heart. I was lost, it just came for me to realize that I always try to seek for someone's flaws, I was picturing you out on every guy I meet and wait for the moment when they are going to let me down and leave, just like you did. And what comes to my mind is that when the time comes that I will have my own family, I don't want my children to feel the same hurt I felt because "papa" never chooses them. There's always that fear in me, even now.
I spent my life comparing my situation to the girls who have amazing dads and feeling pity for myself. Even now I still have to see kids playing with their dads and realize that I can`t even remember when was the last time i had that chance. I realize there's nothing I will be able to do to have those kinds of memories. Growing up without you is really hard. Harder than you can imagine.
I still cry every time I remember you, even just when I'm talking about you. Where ever I go, a dad and daughter scene in televisions, or even when I'm in public, my tears just fall and I cant stop. Strangers will think I'm crazy, but those who knew me are just used to it, they knew how weak I am when it comes to you.
I don't hate you. But I wish that I knew you better. How I wish that you talked more, called more, even there's nothing much to say. I still want you to show an interest on me.
I don't want you to see me from a picture and think about all the things that you never even knew. If I could just build a relationship with you again. And even though I barely trust you, I know that you are the way you are for a reason and I don't blame you anymore for never coming back. I know you didn't just abandoned us for a reason. I know circumstances and timing played a role. I still believe that the word dad is a title that fits you.
Dad, I still wanted you, be the the dad I always dream of having.
I wanted to say thank you, though, because everything that has happened to me as a result of you leaving has made me a stronger person as much as I want to believe I am, and maybe that's all a dad is meant to do,
I was your little girl for the most part. I was a daddy's girl back then. The least I can remember is that you even fetched me from school, carry me on your shoulder, even joined your jeepney trips. You did what most dads do, you protected me, loved me. Though you had that title, you left much to be desired, At some point I hated you. But slowly as I got older and grew up, the hate turned into sadness.
It's amazing how memories fade at different paces. Its been a year when I got a glimpse of you in person after 16 years. It was more than half of my life. But I still remember your face clearly. It's the face that built my dreams and broke my heart.
You weren't there for my first kiss. You weren't there for my first heartbreak. You didn't know what my favorite subject is or any of my friend's name. You weren't there on my birthdays. You were distant. There was so much space between your world and mine and because of that, you forgot how much I needed you. A space somewhere inside of me that you were suppose to fill.
Sending money every month doesn't make you a dad, it makes you a good person. That was your responsibility, raising us because you brought us to this world.
If you just knew how much a hero you are to me before you left, before you made me feel abandoned. If you just knew how much I waited for your call, I waited for you to come back, I always wanted to tell you to just stay beside me. But you still left. You left before I can remember. You didn't come back. Your weekly phone calls became monthly, until you don't even call us at all. I got crazy, that was the worst heartbreak a daughter can have. I tried to reach you in any way I can. They'd tell us you're not home, until we found out that you're already on another woman's home and we cant even talk to you. It crushed me even more.
I still love you of course.
I have reached a point when I tried to collect memories of you and it all comes to me in flashes and images, short and lacking detail.
I wonder if when you wake up, you think of me. How I'm doing, the person I am becoming. I wonder if you miss me, if you wish you could go back in the time the same way that I want to and change things.
I tried not to group every man on this earth in the same category as my dad. I wanted to give them a real chance to prove that not everyone is like you. But the shadow follows me everyday. They say that your dad is the living proof that not all man are the same, and I was lost. The man who I thought was my hero is the first one to break my heart. I was lost, it just came for me to realize that I always try to seek for someone's flaws, I was picturing you out on every guy I meet and wait for the moment when they are going to let me down and leave, just like you did. And what comes to my mind is that when the time comes that I will have my own family, I don't want my children to feel the same hurt I felt because "papa" never chooses them. There's always that fear in me, even now.
I spent my life comparing my situation to the girls who have amazing dads and feeling pity for myself. Even now I still have to see kids playing with their dads and realize that I can`t even remember when was the last time i had that chance. I realize there's nothing I will be able to do to have those kinds of memories. Growing up without you is really hard. Harder than you can imagine.
I still cry every time I remember you, even just when I'm talking about you. Where ever I go, a dad and daughter scene in televisions, or even when I'm in public, my tears just fall and I cant stop. Strangers will think I'm crazy, but those who knew me are just used to it, they knew how weak I am when it comes to you.
I don't hate you. But I wish that I knew you better. How I wish that you talked more, called more, even there's nothing much to say. I still want you to show an interest on me.
I don't want you to see me from a picture and think about all the things that you never even knew. If I could just build a relationship with you again. And even though I barely trust you, I know that you are the way you are for a reason and I don't blame you anymore for never coming back. I know you didn't just abandoned us for a reason. I know circumstances and timing played a role. I still believe that the word dad is a title that fits you.
Dad, I still wanted you, be the the dad I always dream of having.
I wanted to say thank you, though, because everything that has happened to me as a result of you leaving has made me a stronger person as much as I want to believe I am, and maybe that's all a dad is meant to do,
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